The Importance of Being Emmeline
by books4evah
Summary: Be yourself, everyone else is taken.-Oscar Wilde. Well, Emmeline is Alice, Alice is Emmeline, Mary is Sauerkraut, Sirius's bollocks are in trouble, Remus is uber lazy, Peter's a pseudo-pornographer... who exactly IS left? AliceFrank LilyJames BenjyEmmelin


Disclaimer: I own nothing, and this doesn't represent my personal views.

Dedicated to Mary, the one who, in a way, forced me to continue writing this story. Thank you, Mary! I don't know where I'd be without you.

AN: So… another fanfic. Just a warning, the story line is not ripped off of The Importance of Being Earnest, just the title. The title just seemed to fit. Sorry that it's been awhile since my last story. I've been procrastinating…

&

_INTRODUCTION_

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a time when those today considered ancient were actually young. Somewhere in the serene English countryside (and yes, this _is_ far away, as I know that the bulk of you reading this are probably Americans, who've most likely never set foot in England. Don't worry. Neither has the author), there was a school. And not just any ordinary school. A school of magic. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And in that school, there existed a group of ten teenagers whose lives accounted to exactly nothing (except for in the future, when two of those ten would become the parents of the Chosen One. But for now, no one outside of Hogwarts gave a crap about them). But, the story that they encountered during their years in Hogwarts is worth telling. Because it is bloody hilarious. There were several people in that year with them in school that nearly shitted their pants laughing. I would know. I was one of them. Anyway, the story of these adolescents' awkwardness, first loves, and just plain stupidity is finally coming out to the public, as told by me. And, no. I'm, contrary to popular belief, not doing this because I stand to make a lot of money off of the fact that the newest fad is Harry Potter's history and all that crap. (Well, fine. Maybe that's partially the reason why). No, I'm doing it because I _really _want to see Harry Potter crap his pants. And so, really, here goes nothing.

-Marlene McKinnon

**the importance of being emmeline**

OO _March 1__st _OO

_The Year the Chosen One's Parents Were in Third Year_

"Particles will diffuse from high concentration areas to low concentration areas."

"Shut up, Moony."

"What?" Remus said, straightening up, and looking Sirius in the eye.

"You're reading that stupid science text book out loud again…" Sirius whined.

"So? I happen to think this is really interesting," Remus protested.

"Interesting?" Sirius asked, confused. "What's interesting about Diff using consecration?"

"Diffuse and concentration. Two different words."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah… sounds dirty anyway…" Sirius muttered.

"But, I think it describes humans well. When the city's crowded, people prefer to move to the city. But, then it doesn't… because people move from low concentration areas, like the country, to high concentration areas, like big cities. It's so fascinating that this scientific fact can apply as a theory on human behavioral patterns! And then…"

Sirius blinked in confusion. His brain was about as absorbent as… as… as something that isn't a sponge. Like a rock!

"I disagree," Peter said, shaking his head. "_I_ think that humans don't comply to petty scientific diffusion. _I_ think they do whatever the hell they want to do!"

Remus pouted, but being too lazy to argue, he turned back to his textbook (which wasn't even required for any of his classes!), and, to the gratitude of all in a twenty-yard radius of him, refrained from spouting out more facts about osmosis.

Benjy snorted, and returned to his essay, taking his eyes off the marauders. But, not paying attention to the marauders was an art. An art that only one person in the entire year had perfected. A person with red hair and whose name rhymed with Billy Evans. And, so, when the marauders spoke, you turned your head, and you listened.

"James," Sirius said. "What's that?"

As far as Benjy could see, there was only some sort of paper in front of James, which James promptly crumpled up, and shoved in his bag.

"Nothing," he muttered.

"Come on… It's got to be something!"

James ignored his friend, and said, "Why don't we go bother Evans now?"

Benjy's head followed the marauders as they walked over a few yards and reached the point where the intellectual redhead and her friend sat. Lily Evans and… and… and someone else who Benjy did not know the name of, which was quite a shame, as he had made it a goal of his to know the names of everyone in the school.

"Evans!" Sirius called, and Lily looked up from her thick tome, surprised.

"What is it, Black?" the girl whose name is unknown asked, leaning back lazily.

"Well… James was thinking," Sirius continued.

"That's a change," Lily snorted softly.

"You're lucky I'm choosing to ignore that, Evans," James said. "But, then again, today's your lucky day. Because, I'm willing to go out with you."

The color of Lily's face heightened to a shade to rival her hair.

"Do you have any dates in mind, Evans?"

"I was thinking February 29th," she said softly, looking down back to her book.

"Okay. Where did you want"-

The chuckling of everyone else in hearing broke off James' pleased response, that is, everyone other than Sirius.

"I don't get it!" he whined.

"Sirius. Think about it. February 29th," Remus said.

Sirius' face was still blank.

"That was yesterday," Peter said bluntly.

"And it only comes every four years," the unnamed girl smirked.

James growled, stamped his foot (looking rather like a girl), and stormed off, the marauders following at their leisure.

"Nice…" Benjy muttered to himself, returning to Transfiguration. Of course, he was once again interrupted, by some sliding onto the bench across the table from him, slamming several books on the table, causing Benjy's quill to jump, completely ruining his essay.

But he ignored this. (If he was lucky, this might constitute as a reason to further procrastinate). So, he gladly welcomed the new comer.

"How's my favorite best friend?" Benjy grinned.

"You have one of those?" Mary said, gasping in fake shock.

"Very funny, MacDonald."

"Hey, you know it's true," Mary protested.

"Well, you're mean. And you _know it's true_," Benjy replied, ending with a flourish that consisted of sticking his tongue as far outside of his mouth as possible.

"Wow. Now I'm definitely sure that you have the maturity of a three year old. Just like Black."

"How would you know?" Benjy asked. "Have you been hanging out with him lately? Do I have to tear off certain parts on his anatomy?"

Mary smiled. "You know I'm a Gryffindor. I'm going to be spending more time around Black than a Ravenclaw like you would. And, no, you do not have to tear off certain parts of his anatomy. And why would you want to? The marauders would kill you in return."

"Well, I'm sor_-ree_. I just wanted to protect the closest thing I have to a sister from the closest thing our year has to a player."

"Oh yes, thirteen year olds make _superb_ players."

"Note the words '_closest thing to_.' And speaking of this, has he been hitting on you lately?"

"He's been hitting on _everyone_ lately," Mary retorted, rolling her eyes at her friend.

"Okay. Fine. Whatever. But I still reserve any and all rights to go on a bollocks gouging party when I feel it's necessary. Or when you feel it's necessary. Of course, not like you'd tell me, as you wouldn't want the family jewels of your lover to disintegrate and die and wither away, now would you?"

Mary mimed throwing a book at Benjy.

"Oh no! Not _Hogwarts; A History!_" Benjy screeched, pretending to faint.

"Ooh did I hear someone say they want to go to the next broom closet in sight with me?" a voice said behind them. "Hello sugar," Sirius Black said to Mary, sliding onto the bench, next to her.

"Sugar? Ew," Mary shuddered.

"Fine. Hello, Sauerkraut," Sirius countered.

"Sadly, that's actually better," Mary muttered to herself.

"Go away, Black, or die," Benjy growled. "I have permission to rip bollocks out!"

Sirius' hands flew to the patch between his legs, but other than that, it did not look like he had any plans on leaving.

"Here, I got this," Mary muttered, picking up _Hogwarts; A History_. And this time, she wasn't just miming.

After waking up a minute later, Sirius would mutter, "Now that's my kind of girl… _feisty_."

But, before that minute was up, Mary and Benjy had parted ways, for different sections of the library, and Benjy was feeling hungry.

So, he did the sensible thing, and badgered the next person he saw for food.

"I don't have food!" Lily Evans declared frustratedly. "Go badger someone else."

Benjy looked at the girl next to Lily with imploring eyes, and the school's best puppy dog eyes.

The girl smiled sweetly- while shaking her head. "My food is only given to cripples."

Lily looked at her friend, scandalized, having food in the library of all places! But Benjy didn't really care.

"Well… I was hit in the head by _Hogwarts; A History_ a few minutes ago," Benjy said, possibly exaggerating just a _bit_.

"Aw… you poor thing. Have some chocolate," the brown-haired Gryffindor giggled.

"Thanks!" Benjy said through a mouthful of chocolate, so it instead ended up sounding more like "Fammmm".

After he had chewed and swallowed (his mother had brought him up to follow proper decorum), he looked at the girl. "What's your name, anyway?"

The girl opened her mouth, but it was Lily who answered.

"Emmeline."

"Oh. Oh, thanks. That is, thanks, _Emmeline_," Benjy said with a wink, heading off afterwards to find somewhere with less disruptions- and a smaller social scene- than the library.

After Benjy had left, the girl turned to Lily. "Why did you tell him my name is Emmeline?" she hissed.

"Jeez, Alice," Lily sighed. "Uptight much? I just that maybe you'd want a bit of excitement in your life. And besides, it's hilarious! Emmeline"-

"Looks exactly like me, I know," Alice cut in, rolling her eyes.

"You know it's funny."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. I need to finish this letter. So you mind not bothering me by coming up with any extra pseudonyms and aliases?"

"Oh, is that for your lover?"

"It's just a pen pal!"

"Yeah, a pen pal you've kept into third year, when we only needed to have them for that first two months of first year to '_get to know everybody'_. And a _he_ pen pal at that."

Alice snorted. "You're just being a romanticist, as always. Which brings me to the point- you're always coming up with the 'perfect couples',"- another snort -"so why haven't you yet seen that you and James would make an _adorable_ couple?"

"Uh… because we _wouldn't?_"

"Hypocrite."

OO _3 years, 11 months, 3 weeks, 6 days, 2 hours, 48 minutes, 57 seconds, and 9 nanoseconds later _OO

_Also known as February 29th to all you ignorant people out there…_

"Happy leap day, Mary!" Benjy said, not even looking up from the homework he was starting for his next class.

"Hello…" came the elongated groan from the girl in the desk next to him.

That was when Benjy looked up. A not perky Mary was like a not insane Dumbledore, or a McGonagall with her hair down. Or even (oh the horrors) sane marauders!

"What died in the middle of the night and became undead and bit you and made you into a zombie?" Benjy asked, glancing at Mary's unkempt look. And he knew for a fact it wasn't just a fashion statement. "It was Black, wasn't it? I _knew_ I should have murdered him years ago! Are you okay? Did he hurt you?"

Mary snorted. "No. I'm fine."

"Well. I'm still going on that eye-gouging party. Maybe I'll invite Snape… he never seemed to like Black. Pent up anger is always good when it comes to causing people pain…"

"It wasn't Black, Benjy."

"Are you sure? I've never trusted that bastard… Not since he poured gravy down my shirt…"

"Benjy. You have to get over that. He thought you were Diggory."

Benjy pouted. "Why can't I hold a grudge?"

"You can. And, unfortunately, you do."

"Anyway… can I go get my hatchet now?" Benjy pleaded with Mary, casting furtive glances at Black, who was sitting across the Muggle Studies classroom.

"Once again, no. It wasn't Black."

"Then who was it?"

"Lily."

"WHOA! EVANS IS HOMOSEXUAL?" Benjy asked, head turning at the speed of light towards his new source of information. "Who's going to tell Potter? I wouldn't want to! That poor sap…"

"I don't think that'll be necessary, as everyone already heard you declare it."

Benjy looked up, and the whole class (apart from the professor) was looking at him, wide-eyed. Benjy couldn't see James, but it seemed as though the marauders were huddled around something on the floor, fanning air.

Thank Merlin that Lily Evans had no need to learn about muggles.

"And you know, it was James too," Mary added.

"Like… dual rape? But how exactly would that work out, if they don't like each other?"

"It wouldn't. Because it wasn't 'dual rape'."

"Phew."

"I swear, you have a messed up mind, Fenwick," Mary sighed, turning back to Professor Burbage.

"So... it wasn't dual rape? Meaning I shouldn't tell the guys that it was dual rape?"

"Meaning I should really get a best friend without a one track mind."

"If it's going to be a guy best friend, you aren't going to find squat. All they think about is shagging."

"And you don't?" Mary asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Not with you."

There was a collective shudder.

"But, those other guys… well, they'd all be up for friends with benefits. You aren't exactly ugly, you know. If you weren't like my sister"-

"That's one of the nicest things you've ever said to me," Mary interrupted. "But let's leave it at that."

"Right. Good idea. And you're sure it wasn't dual rape? That'd make a pretty good story after I hit them both over the head with a frying pan, you know…"

"I'm sure. What really happened was Lily was complaining all night long about her Transfiguration partner, and James was celebrating all night long over his."

"So… Lily got Black, and James got… wait. He couldn't have gotten me, could he? I would know, wouldn't I? And I'm so fricking awesome, he definitely would be celebrating over me."

"Are _you_ homosexual? And are you saying Potter is?"

"No! But still, you know I'm awesome."

"You are the biggest idiot I will have ever known in my lifetime."

"Okay. Let's get one thing straight," Benjy said in a serious tone. "My awesomeness is not, has never been, and will never be idiotc."

Mary rolled her eyes. "I'm only going to say this once. So listen up, and listen well. _Lily Evans and James Potter are Transfiguration partners_. There. I'm not saying it again. I'm sorry to say, though, that you're head is so thick you probably didn't hear a word I said."

Benjy fainted. Except he didn't, and you will never repeat that, because it goes against his manliness. And if you do by some chance repeat this, or copy and paste it somewhere else, be warned he will personally hunt you down and kill you. Or be all Kill Bill on you and send over assassins. Which ever suits his mood. And you never read this.

So, our story skips to Mary and Benjy leaving the muggle studies classroom. (This is because Benjy wanted it on a random whim! Not because of any girlish seeming impediments that might leave one unaware of any current events!).

"You sure you don't want to go see Madam Pomfrey?" Mary asked as once again, Benjy lost his footing, and regained it, while hanging from Mary's arm, giving her arm some nasty looking red marks.

"No. I'm fine," Benjy said, in a tone as dignified as one could with a hand in a girl's arm (causing him to look very ladylike). "_Nothing happened_. I will say it once again. _Nothing happened_. So I have no desire to go anywhere near the hospital wing."

"Then what do you call your little _performance_ back there?" Mary asked, with a little smirk. "Surely after that, a short visit to the hospital wing and dear ol' Poppy must seem quite the appetizing choice."

"Nonexistant. Once again, I call it _nonexistent. _And I have no want of going near the hospital wing! It's an _un-_appetizing choice Have you ever even _tried_ the food there?"

Mary rolled her eyes.

"I thought so!" Benjy declared, pointing his finger at Mary, right between her eyes.

"Okay. Point that thing somewhere else. We don't want anyone to get hurt _again_, do we? Remember, I have a hard head," Mary said, shoving away Benjy's hand.

Benjy drew his other arm from the crook of Mary's, and crossed them, crossing his face too.

"So, anyway… James and Lily are Transfiguration partners?" Benjy asked. "Sounds fun. Aw man! Why wasn't _I _a Gryffindor! Ravenclaw, the completely _wrong _house!"

"Don't beat yourself up about it. You were just too much of a wimp to be sorted into the best house."

"Wimp? _Wimp?_" _Benjy_ asked, outraged. "Why don't I go show you how much of a _wimp_ I am?"

"Prove it," Mary laughed. "This ought to be so much fun."

"Yeah, well why don't I show how much of a wimp I am- meaning, not one at all- by beating up Black, other there?"

Mary spun around, and sure enough, Sirius Black was standing with the other marauders against the wall.

Mary groaned. "Benjy! No! No, Benjy. Don't!"

"What? Don't want me to hit your boyfriend. Well, I don't care. He's a twat. And I don't trust him. You should stay away from him. I don't like how you sleep so close to one another."

Mary slapped her hand to her forehead and moaned, the anxiety for what she knew was going to happen whether she liked it or not killing her.

"Black! Over here, you prick! That is, if you know what I mean!" Benjy shouted, unnecessarily, over at the wall where Sirius was standing, waving his arm up in the arm.

Sirius turned, looking surprised, and saw Benjy. And then Mary. And a large in broke over his face.

Now the marauders were smart. They tried to hold him back. Of course, a swift kick from Sirius towards Remus' genitalia, and the whole attempt was useless, as one fell down, and the rest was a bit of a domino effect.

"Sauerkraut!"

Mary forced a smile, and kicked Benjy. "Now look what you've done! You've made him notice me!" she hissed from the corner of her mouth.

"Sauerkraut, it's so great to see you! It's been so long!"

"It's been since lunch."

"I know! So long, right, my yummy Sauerkraut?"

"Which was class period ago."

"Classes… so overrated. And extremely long, you know."

"One very peaceful Sirius-less class."

"Must have been so painful to endure, I know Sauerkraut."

"Which I very much wish I was still in."

"You know you love me."

Mary winced. "You know, I HATE YOU."

"Oh."

Benjy took this time to butt in, and say, "Get away from MacDonald, Black. Or get bollocks ripped out."

Sirius flinched, as did several other male extras whose names are not important in this chronicle.

But Sirius got over it. "Look, Fenwick. This is between me and the lady. It's her choice, not yours."

And with that, he lightly pushed Benjy out of the way.

But, just in case you, being the highly worshipped reader, who shall forever be loved by the author of this fic, were wondering, Benjy was one of those good-looking, but extraordinarily skinny guys (like the author's older brother, minus the good-looking part of course), and Sirius was one of those good looking guys who underestimated his strength (like the author's dream date, cough, cough, _Rupert Grint_).

So, in the end, Benjy landed on the stone floor, out cold. Which of course, you never heard. Because Benjy Fenwick does not "go out cold". So, let's just ignore this paragraph, and go on with the story.

"I'm afraid I will have to say no. And I'm really sick of you, you know. So I was wondering, if maybe, sometime"-

"We could get a broom closet together?" Sirius asked excitedly.

"Yeah, because that totally fits with what I was saying," Mary drawled. "No. I was wondering if sometime I could beat the crap out of you. Preferably now."

"Oooh. Kinky. Me like it."

Mary rolled her eyes. "Well if you would like to think of me, you, my wand, and the Bat Boogey hex as kinky, that's up to you."

"Oh shit… Um… guys?" Sirius asked, backing up a bit.

The marauders looked up from their temporary game of Exploding Snap (after a while, the fun of watching Sirius in action really started to drift away), apparently not noticing the fact that they had horribly disfigured the patch of wall behind them.

"Hey, is that McGonagall?" Mary called loudly.

"You're evil," Sirius said, watching his friends scurry away.

"Thank you. I hope you'll take this as a warning."

"I just want to let you know, I love you the better for it though. I grew up in an evil family. I blame genetics, but evil is bloody _hot_."

"Crud," Mary murmured. "Ah well. Lily told me I should get some of my anger out, and this looks like a fun way."

"Aw man…"

A few minutes later, Benjy's eyes cracked open. Surrounded by a halo of light was a gorgeous face. It was the most beautiful girl Benjy had ever seen. Her eyes were soft green, not the bright emerald of Lily's. Well, they sort seemed blue… and kind of gray… Benjy would get back to you on the color. She had a roundish face, which looked so sweet and caring. Her hair was this warm chocolate that made Beny really want brownies. He'd have to go the kitchen now…

Wait.

Beautiful girl.

Crap.

Crap.

Crap.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

Crapsicles!

The stupid girl. Why must he have to be seeing her? He was too young to die!

Yes. You're hearing right, dear reader. Benjy Fenwick was dead.

And he was so going to come back and haunt Black.

Black was going down! (Just like the murderer in all those ghost movies that Benjy had never actually seen, so couldn't exactly tell you if they were like what he was going to do to Black, because he was really just guessing).

Benjy sat up suddenly, and looked around.

"Strange. Heaven looks _exactly _Hogwarts. Unless I'm already in Hogwarts? Cause that would be great. Get to start on haunting Black right away! I'll be the Myrtle to his bathroom!" Benjy said to the angel (who was really beautiful, but Benjy still sort of resented in that way that no one- not eve you- can really understand, but just sort of because she was the symbolism of his far too early death).

The angel looked confused. Great. Just great. He was given the angel that was missing a few crayons from the crayon box. "Um…" she said. "I don't know about you, but I have no clue what you're talking about."

Benjy stared at the angel, who was now starting to look familiar, in that grating-on-your-nerves-because-you-know-you-know-them-but-you-just-can't-remember way. During the silence, Benjy could swear he could hear shrieking (which scared him a bit, this was supposed to be _heaven,_ right?), but it sounded curiously like Black's (which made him ecstatic. Someone did agree with his thoughts on Black! And they cared enough to already get on the case of haunting Black!).

"Okay… let me say this slowly. I am dead. Okay? And this is heaven. You know, the place where you live?"

"Are you calling me an angel?" the angel asked disgustedly (apparently Benjy had much to learn on the subject of angels. They seemed a lot less eternally happy and all in real life- that is, real death. And they seemed to have a lot of mood swings. Did heaven have PMS too?). "Cause if that is your idea of a pick-up line, it sucks. First off, it's overused, and second off, go suck a"-

"Wait!" It was all coming to Benjy! Like a rush of oxygen when you stop to breath while getting it on with one of the Hufflepuffs! "Are you saying I'm not dead?"

The girl snickered. "Yes, I think that's vaguely obvious."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Benjy cried, in an emasculating sort of way, suddenly grasping the girl (now he knew she wasn't an angel) in a tight hug, which surprised her very much.

"So… you really thought you were dead?" the girl asked.

"Yeah… long story. Short version is, Black's an idiot, we shall blame it all on Black, and he will be dead quite shortly."

"Okay… then… I guess I should take back the thing I said about the pick-up line. Sorry."

"No it's fine. At least I'm not dead."

"Want any help killing Black?" the girl asked, offering him a hand up.

Benjy took the hand, and pulled himself up, getting caught for a second, looking back into the girl's eyes (and no, he was still unsure what color they were) in that nauseatingly romantic way that Mary was always talking to him about, which suddenly didn't seem as nauseating. And now that she wasn't a symbol of his death… the girl was pretty good looking…

Benjy snapped back to life, taking back his hand, and shoving it in his pocket. "Aw cheers. It's good to know not everyone loves Black. But, it's fine. I'd hate for you to get Filch on your case for something that should most definitely be legal."

The girl smiled- in this wide way that captured Benjy's attention immediately. She was smiling like she was trying to seduce someone. She was smiling like she genuinely wanted to laugh at what Benjy was ranting on about… Oh Merlin, she must think Benjy was the biggest loser!

"So, are you all right? I was walking by, and you looked unconscious, and"-

"No."

"What?"

"No. I was not unconscious. I don't get unconscious."

"Ahhh…" the girl smiled. "Of course. How could I have been so delusional?"

"I don't know. Do I look like Professor Dumbledore?"

The girl blanked. "Speaking of professors, I'm missing Arithmathy!" She started to walk away, but Benjy pulled her back.

"Just stay a bit longer. You're a prefect"- he gestured at her badge- "so say you were held up in keeping me from ripping out Black's bollocks."

"And you would be…?"

"Benjy Fenwick. Seventh year. And you… I feel like I know you from somewhere…"

"Well, I'm a fifth year Gryffindor… if that helps any."

"That's it! Emmeline pointed you out to me!"

"What"-

"She said you were her cousin. And I heard from Mary that her cousin's name is Alice… You're Alice, aren't you?"

"I"-

"Well, I'll see you around!"

And Benjy walked off, his head swarming with thoughts of Alice.

He ran into Mary, who was walking away from her own new acquaintance, an injured body that looked suspiciously like Black, but was hard to tell, what with the neon green hair everywhere.

"So, Mary, what do say to spending our free period in the kitchens?" Benjy asked, thinking back to Alice's hair.

"Sounds fun. And you look awfully dreamy. Who were you talking to?"

"Alice…"

Mary raised an eyebrow, and looked over her shoulder at Alice.

"She's pretty. You're in love, huh? And did you faint again?"

"Maybe…"

"Well, anyway, I found something that I thought you might want to see."

Back several yards, Alice was looking exceptionally confused. "But… my name is Emmeline…"

OO_ Alice is Emmeline, and Emmeline is Alice (Just in case you didn't get this earlier) _OO

_Meanwhile…_

"Crud! Got to go guys!" James cried, glancing at his watch.

After James ran out, slamming the door behind him, Peter glanced at Remus, asking, "What was that all about?"

"He has to work on the Transfiguration project."

"With Lily, right," Peter said, confirming his thoughts.

Frank merely returned to his letter.

_Dear Pen Pal of Pen-Pal-ishness,_

_Sorry this is such a short letter! I couldn't set aside enough time for a longer letter, what with the studying my friend's making me do for NEWTs… which aren't for a whole three more months! But then again… my friend, she's OCD when it comes to academics. Ugh. Why couldn't I have made friends with the kid with Tourettes? Or you. I wish I had met you back in first year. You're a great guy. Whoever you are. Bloody hell… I just realized, we have almost been pen pals for our whole Hogwarts career! And who says that? 'Hogwarts career', 'school career'… I must sound like a prick right now. But anyway, have you heard about Lily and James being partners yet? I know I shouldn't be gossiping about this… Lily would kill me, but it's killing me! It's just so ironic! I swear, McGonagall has a sense of humor. She is my new favorite teacher. Suppose the two will ever actually get together? I think it'd be hilarious, but like it'd ever happen? Lily can't go two seconds without ranting about him, though lately, it's been three. Or, does that mean something? I suck at this whole guy/relationship psychology, over-analyzation thing… I swear I was born a girl by mistake. And for the joke of the letter… (yes, another dumb blonde joke… I can't help it if I think it's funny,,, and if you're blond, it's even funnier), why was the blond happy when she finished the puzzle in six months? Because on the box, it said from two to four years! Hahahahaha…. Get it? You know… she thought it meant it'd take two to four years to complete? But it really meant that it was for two to four year olds? Wow… I really stink at telling jokes… So why don't you make up for it with your joke? Make it good! (And blonde jokes are always preferable)! So, I really must get back to paying attention to Divination…which is the stupidest class ever… I do hope that whenever I have a child, (s)he won't be so moronic as to take this class. Write back soon!_

_-The Empress of Pen Pals, the most fantastic pen pal to ever exist (mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)_

"Why are you GIGGLING, Frank?" Peter demanded, looking at the ongoings over his magazine (The Quibbler, which was a horrible habit he was trying to get out of, but as he said, and the author quotes, 'It's just so funny! It's like watching Sirius during a test, it's so hopeless you can't help but laugh!'), horrified.

Frank waved his letter in the air, and returned back to mentally annotating it. Did she really mean that part about wishing she was friends with him? Should he give himself Tourettes so she'd be friends with him? Was it possible that she could like him as more then a friend, or did she need to see him in person to be sure?

"Not another letter? You're still in that pen pals thing?" Peter whined. "Come on. We were allowed to end that like seven years ago!"

"You're just bitter that you were paired with Crabbe," Remus remarked, nibbling on the remants of another chocolate bar, which soon was nothing more than crumbs on his bed. "Peter, more chocolate."

"Why can't you get this one yourself?" Peter asked tiredly, motioning towards the many chocolate wrappers littering the floor, which once, a long, long time ago (in other words, that morning), had been sparkling clean. "I got you all of those."

"Well, it's around that _you know_, thing with the shiny white round thing, that my boggart turns into… and so I feel like crap. And I just can't face getting up to get more chocolate."

To prove his point, Remus dramatically flung his arm over his eyes, and collapsed backwards onto his bed (which, just to let the wonderful reader know, wasn't actually that far). "Can't… move…feeling…sick…"

"Okay, okay…" Peter said, rolling his eyes, and tossing a chocolate bar, which landed suspiciously landed near Remus's head, because Peter may or may not have been aiming for Remus's cranium maximus… or whatever those nerdy little muggles are calling it these days.

"Ow!" Remus screeched.

"_What?_" Peter demanded. "It didn't even touch you! It landed on your pillow!"

"That's the thing!" Remus complained. "Now the pillow's formation is messed up, and I have to adjust it back, and do you know how much energy that takes up?"

"One would be surprised you're skinny," Peter grumbled, shoving his face into his comforter.

"It's quite easy, you see, I have a high metabolism. Which mean my body burns up fat faster than I can consume it, so"-

"Why, oh, bloody hell why did you have to stay a know-it-all, but not stay active?" Peter moaned. "Laziness no is good!"

"That's bad grammar. You either say that laziness is not good, or being lazy is not a good characteristic."

Peter, given up on all hope of a non-annoying Remus, just threw a pillow (not his, why would he waste his pillow on Remus? No, it was Sirius' pillow) at Remus' head, this time landing centered on Remus' face. (This might have been helped by the fact that Frank had a wand in his hand, implying that he used magic to perfect Peter's throw, and further, that he too felt that Remus was annoying).

"AAAARRGGGHHH!" Remus shrieked. "The PAIN! The BURNING! Get me to the HOSPITAL WING!"

"Okay," Peter said, surprisingly calmly for a person who just heaved a pillow with all of his might towards his mortal enemy (well… his mortal enemy of the _minute_)_. _"If you want to go there, it's three floors down, and two corridors away."

Remus blinked at the thought of walking on his own when not required. "On second thought… I think I might have a little nap."

Remus closed his eyes, and seconds later he was snoring, like Peter had put something in the chocolate…. (which we shouldn't be surprised about if he did)

As there was no Remus left bothering him, Peter soon found that he was quite bored. Very bored. Like he would bloody eat his own bollocks for entertainment! (Okay… not really. But he might consider eating his homework… good excuse, but it would probably not work… so, that narrows down the author's choices… well, let's say that he might possibly chew on his quill if he weren't deathly afraid of the diseases it was probably carrying.)

So, he did what anyone other bored person might do. He decided to bother Frank.

"Bother."

...

"Bother."

…

"Bother."

…

"Bother!"

"Shut already, would you?" Frank snapped, glaring at Peter, interrupting him as he shouted, "BOTHER, BOTHER, BOTHER!"

"But… why?" Peter asked. "I think it's pretty fun."

"Well, it's hard to concentrate while you're 'bothering' me."

"What could you possibly be concentrating on?"

Frank waved his letter in the air.

"Blimey… not that again? I thought you got that letter ages ago! Why are you still reading it? And exactly how many times have you read it? Forget that! I don't think I want to know!"

But Frank still answered, a bit embarrassedly. "This would be my tenth or so…"

"You are a sad, sad little wizard."

Frank reddened.

Peter raised his eyebrows. "It looks like I was wrong. You are a sad, sad little wizard with an even sadder little infatuation. Who on?"

Frank motioned towards the letter.

"Yes, I think I grasped that the crush was on your little pen pal. The question is, _who is your pen pal?_"

Frank hesitated.

"You don't know? Come on! You've been friends- and you know you have to have been friends if you've been writing each other all this time- for seven years!"

"It just never came up…"

"What the bloody- It's got to have come up some time! You were sitting around, exchanging pleasantries, and you never once went, 'oh, and my name is Frank Inappropriate-Last-Name, what about you?'?"

"Um… what would you say if I said no?"

"Well, I'd think this means she doesn't really like you, because she thought if you knew who she was you would hunt her down and attack her… Which is quite sad really, as you two are supposed to be friends."

"Well, maybe leaving our names out gave a bit of mystery to the whole thing!"

"Do you think this is the muggle fifties or something? The black and white movie scene, with you in a trench coat and suit, and a hat covering your eye, sitting in an almost empty office, with a weird looking door that reads 'Detective Big-Arse' across"-

"It's Longbottom."

"What?"

"Longbottom, not Big-Arse."

"Same difference. Anyway, reading 'Big-Arse' across the weird lumpy looking glass window in the middle of the door. And you're sitting in front of the window- shades down, but slated open so you can read the name of the building behind you, in bright pink neon letters"-

"I thought it was black and white?"

"Oh, shut up. The store being called 'Sirius' Brothel'."

"Nice. Very fitting."

"Shut up! I said shut up! Do you not know what that means? Shut your bloody piehole!"

"Alright…"

"Anyway, then, in comes your pen pal, scantily clad in a clingy dress revealing much cleavage, and hair that frizzes just right, so she has a halo around her face. And she says, 'Detective, I need you to take out my husband. The name's Remus Lupin, and he's a pain in the"-

"I thought I was a detective? You're making me sound like an assassin!"

"_Shut up! _I really don't care! So, she's says that, and then you say, 'After we snog, and progressively transition to shagging!' And then she says 'But I've never even let a man touch my elbow through a cloth before!' And you reply by kissing her, and she melts in her arms, and you throw her on the desk, and all night long you"-

"I don't think I want to hear this."

"I can tell you like it. You know you do." Peter winked.

"I swear you'll be a porn author when you grow up."

"That's a good idea," Peter said, in mock enthusiasm.

"And, besides, the ending wasn't mysterious at all. It sounded like I, or really the detective, because I am nothing like that, got to know her very well- too well to be mysterious."

Peter snorted. "Sounds like you could join me on my porn writing adventures."

"No thanks. I think I'd rather read the letter again."

It was quiet for a second, other than the crinkling of Frank's letter.

"Loser."

"Thanks Peter."

"What are you rereading it for anyway? One would have thought that you'd have memorized it by now…"

Frank said nothing, just continued to read.

"Are you looking for clues indicating the fact that your pen pal likes you back? Because I think you'd have to know who she is fir"-

Frank blushed, just a bit.

"That's it, huh? You're trying to figure out who she is, right?"

Frank shook his-

"Don't even bother lying to me. We all know it's true. Remus knows it's true, and he's asleep. _Sirius_ would know it's true, and he's an idiot."

"Okay… so maybe you're right. But even so, there's no telling who it is. All I can say is that she's in our year."

"Let me see," Peter demanded. "I am going to prove you wrong."

"I doubt that you can."

"Well you are like Sirius. An idiot."

Frank rolled his eyes, and levitated the note towards Peter, who impatiently grasped it, and ripped it to his face to read.

"Be careful! Don't damage it!" Frank protested, wincing at the harsh sounds of crumpling paper. That is, he protested, until he received a sharp glare from Peter. "I'll be quiet."

"Okay, she's obviously a Gryffindor, because she apparently takes Transfiguration with Lily and James. And there are five Gryffindor girls in seventh year. Lily, Mary, Marlene, Alice, and Dorcas. It's obviously not Lily, and I doubt Dorcas has the brains to write this letter- she can't even spell the word item- she spells it I-T-I-M"- Peter giggled (although he would say that he gave a short, manly tee-hee)-"And then Marlene is blond, so she wouldn't be writing dumb blond jokes. Finally, Mary doesn't take Divination- I've been in that class since third year, and she's never once showed up. So, it's pretty obvious that your mystery girl is Alice," Peter concluding, adding, on a second thought, "Sorry to ruin the mystery."

Frank just stared at Peter (who had, during his brief monologue shifted over next to Frank), slack-jawed and wide-eyed. "How- how did you _do _that?"

Peter patted Frank on the back. "It's a little thing I like to call logic, my friend."

"But that was so fast!"

"Remus isn't the only smart one around here," Peter sniffed.

"But… but… I gotta go!" Frank said, jumping up and running out.

Peter narrowed his eyes. "I'm insulted."

"Will you marry me?" the sleeping Remus mumbled from across the room.

"No," Peter frowned.

"No… I was talking to the chocolate…"

Peter sighed, and hit his head on Frank's bed.

Frank, on the other hand was running through the common room, to find the one person he knew could help him to find his pen pal. (Because you see, Frank, in theory, knew everyone in the year. He just had a little problem with matching names to faces).

"Benjy!" Frank called, as he saw the Ravenclaw he had had in mind, talking with Mary. "I need to ask you something?"

The skinny youth turned around to face Frank. "What can I do for you, Big-Arse?"

"Why is everyone calling me that today?" Frank murmured frustratedly to himself.

"What was that?" Benjy asked.

"Nothing. Anyway, I need to ask you a big favor."

"Ask away. Just as long as it's not too big. I will not be stuck taking polyjuice potion and cleaning up hippogriff dung for someone else again."

"Oh, no. I just need to know who Alice is. It's really important." Frank bobbed up and down on his feet a bit for emphasis.

Benjy looked at him suspiciously, but answered his question, pointing over his shoulder at a round-faced girl, with long brown hair.

"Thank you!" Frank repeated once again, rushing off to plan some serious wooing action.

OO _Love is Merely a Madness_ OO

_Also occurring at the same, coincidental time…_

"You're late."

James winced, sliding onto the bench across from Lily. "I know. Sorry. I ran into Alice along the way, and she needed to talk about something."

Lily raised an eyebrow at this, but made no other comment on his tardiness. "So, did you read the text that I told you to look over? That is, if you _are_ in fact able to read?"

"Are you implying I'm stupid?" James asked, offended (well, as offended as you can be for someone whose simply ecstatic to be partnered with his crush for Transfiguration, and _talking _to her).

"Why, yes, I am, Potter. I'm surprised you caught on this quickly."

"So, I"-

"Read chapter seven now. Or I will seriously consider killing you off, so I don't have to suffer through working with you."

"Um…. Cheers?"

"That's right. I _will _be cheery when you die. So get to _work!_"

James ducked his head into his textbook, spending the next ten or so minutes of his life wasted on extremely boring things like how to turn yourself into a jaguar. Because James had already mastered that skill.

Oh, yeah. You heard him right. Prongs was a _very_ sexy stag.

Well, as sexy as a stag could be… which, albeit, is not that much…

Lily boredly asked, "So? Do you understand this? Well, if you do, I'd be surprised. You're an idiot, right? And it is fairly confusing…"

"Oh, not really. You just focus on your intent, and then you"-

"Well, I think I'll just ask McGonagall about it tomorrow. And I'd ask you if you have any contributions toward brainstorming what our project should be, but then I remembered that you're a bloody prick."

So, James sat there awkwardly for a minute or two, with nothing but the occasional scratching of Lily's quill on her parchment, brainstorming project ideas.

Finally, the silence got the better of James. (Because, every awkward silence- and that was most _definitely _an awkward silence- a gay baby is born, and as tolerant as James might be, he wanted to prevent the world from facing any more Sirius')

"So… is it true that you're a homosexual?"

Lily looked up at James, horror in her eyes. "What… Who told you that?!"

James swallowed, and fidgeted with the collar of his school shirt, mumbling, "Well…. I mean… someone shouted it during Muggle Studies… and I, um"-

"Oh man!" Lily cried, dropping her head into her hands. "How did they…? Why did this have to happen? This is just bloody fucking brilliant!"

A glare and a 'shush' from Madam Pince, the rigid librarian, and Lily quieted down.

"Look, I need to go. I have to talk to Alice," Lily hissed at James. "Do the worksheets her yourself. And if you're really that stupid, you can just ask Remus for help. That is, if he isn't feeling too lazy to help."

And with that, Lily tugged her bag onto her shoulder, and was stampeding out of the library.

James looked at the worksheets and groaned, and looked after Lily and groaned, and finally looked at his hands and groaned. (And oddly enough, that didn't seem as if it were enough groaning for him, so he buried his head in his textbook and started groaning as if he were a grindylow above water. That is, until he too got a glare and a 'shush' from Madam Pince).

"It's true," he muttered to himself sadly. "She is homosexual. And as if it weren't bad enough when she was heterosexual, and there was always the fact that I'd have to win her away from Sirius… now I have to win her away from the girls she _sleeps_ with. Blimey… and to think I was already sorry for myself…"

And after a few minutes of internal wailing, and procrastinating on long worksheets on the Transfiguration of moving objects, James had another epiphany.

"She sleeps with those girls… and she always hangs out with those girls…. And she just said she had to go talk to Alice…. Bloody Merlin… she's in love with _Alice!_ Aw man…"

James proceeded to hit his head on the table several times (but this just worsened the headache he had from Lily yelling, so he stopped, just in time to miss out on another glare from crabby ol' Madam Pince).

James wiped away the tears (the _manly_ tears) forming in the corner of his eyes, and set to work finishing the letter he had been working on for the past few years (Don't look so surprised. There were a lot of drafts involved. And anyway, he really only had one chance in sending her the perfect letter; if he sent multiple letters, she'd stop opening them. And, he apparently never thought the letter was done yet. There was always something missing). If he was going to lose the love of his life to her best friend, he definitely wasn't going down with out a fight. You could count on that. (And seemingly, the "final fight" of winning over Lily from a girl seemed to boost his inspiration by an infinite amount).

After about an hour and a half, James had finished. ("YES! IT'S DONE! Eureka!") Time sure does fly when you're trying to win over your one true love from her girlfriend.

Of course his little "touchdown dance" in the middle of the library (imagine lots, and lots of hip-thrusting. Now stop drooling. Remember, currently, James is married and _dead_. There's really no point in lusting over him. I would know. And just for reference, those voodoo dances don't really work for bringing people back to life) got him called up to the librarian's desk for a little lecture.

Now, don't forget. When I mean "little" I really mean "ginormous" (giant and enormous mixed). And when I say lecture, I say Madam Pince yelling at the top of her lungs about how she hates teenagers and they can never focus in the library, always making noise, and that she is going to go away to Antarctica and live with the penguins and be their librarian because they'd make less noise. (Of course, we all know this is a lie, because Madam Pince's little, again, I really mean ginormous, tryst with Filch, the evil caretaker who looked more like he should be out with a bottle of wine in a paper bag and warming his hands over a fire inside a trashcan than taking care of Hogwarts, was too steamy to overlook).

Anyway, while James was cowering under Madam Pince's shrieks, Mary had wandered over to the table where James had been sitting, and seeing the letter, picked it up. As she read it, she sank onto the bench behind her, her jaw dropping.

"Benjy's going to want to see this…" she gasped, walking off purposefully.

Of course, she strolled off with the letter in hand, so when James came back, and could not fund the letter, there were dire consequences ("NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"), resulting in his getting lectured once again. (And once again, I would not exactly call insulting teenagers a lecture. Let's just say we should all be glad corporal punishment is _so_ last century).

OO _Cupid is Painted Blind _OO

_A short interlude…_

Emmeline turned the corner, and collapsed on to the damp, stone wall behind her, panting, and sinking to the ground. That guy had been following her for a full five minutes. And he had probably been staring at her from across the library for even longer.

This wasn't exactly what she had bargained for when coming to Hogwarts

Guys were jerks.

Now… that Benjy guy, the one who had been knocked out or whatever. He was funny. He was nice. And what's more- he thought she was pretty! He truly believed she was an angel. He was the first guy to call her pretty since, well, since her father.

But, Emmeline, being the complete idiot she was, had just walked away, not even trying to flirt.

God… why couldn't she be more like Alice?

"Alice!" a voiced cried, rounding the corner.

Emmeline groaned at the voice of the seventh year who'd been following her around quite recently. She, of course, _was_ pleased that a guy who was two whole years older than her was attracted to her, but there was a line, and this guy crossed. Her name wasn't even Alice!

She climbed up against the wall, wanting to be able to rat this guy out completely.

"Oh, there you are Alice. Look. I know you're a bit freaked out by me, but you won't even listen to me!"

The guy was starting to look pretty desperate.

"You know me! From"-

"Than can't I even name you? Or recognize you? At all?" Emmeline asked, her last nerve breaking.

"Well… we never met in person, but we're pen pals. I'm Frank, remember?"

"What pen pal thing?" Emmeline asked, looking Frank up and down.

Frank sighed. "I understand. You're just embarrassed to admit that you kept up the pen pal thing in public. I know I'm not the coolest guy ever."

"Yeah, I think I got that," Emmeline nodded dryly.

"But, ever since, well, I can't remember, actually. But I've had feelings for you! I think I'm in love with you!"

Emmeline raised an eyebrow. This guy had never even seen her before, and yet he was claiming to love her?

"Why should I believe you?"

Frank misunderstood her, apparently, as he went on to say, "I was your pen pal. Remember, you _love_ dumb blonde jokes!"

Now Emmeline definitely knew this guy was insane. She preferred knock-knock jokes.

The guy was blabbering on. Emmeline groaned inwardly. The guy was going to keep declaring his love unless she did something. And that something would have to be drastic.

So she did what any girl who was short of patience would do. She kissed him. (Hey, don't judge. It shut him up, didn't it?).

Admittedly, Frank wasn't too bad of a snogger, and the little, perverted Emmeline voice in the back of her head wasn't helping (what, with that buttery-sweet little voice of it's, trying to persuade her into full-out snogging him).

Fortunately, a cry from a near-by student, broke them apart, and Emmeline was able to turn around, and scrape her tongue off.

"Frank!" the voiced called (a voice sounding suspiciously like James Potter), as Emmeline scoured her tongue furiously. "Don't do it! She's already dating someone! A girl!"

"What?" Frank squeaked, and set off to follow the boy.

Emmeline finished the cleansing of her mouth, and stood up, thinking about what just happened.

"Wait, _what?_" Emmeline cried in fury, and she set off running after the boys.

OO _Men of Good Fortune Come and Go, but a Good Head Clamp Lasts Forever_ OO

_At the same time… (big shocker… huh?)_

"You're still reading that letter?" Alice's roommate, Marlene asked, quickly applying a coat of lip-gloss (she was off on a "date", so to speak, with Edgar Bones).

"Yeah… My pen pal… he's just the nicest guy. And I"-

"Have a little crush on him, right?" Marlene said. "It's pretty obvious."

"Well… it's difficult having a crush on someone you don't know."

"You do know him. One would think you did after seven years of writing to him."

"I don't know his name! And that's important! He could be an ugly hag!"

Marlene raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know you were so vain, Alice."

"You're one to talk, always hogging the mirror. And there you are, putting on make-up when you're only going to the broom closet!"

Marlene snorted. "Well, if you put it that way… But I still feel that even though my make-up is going to be ruined by the time I leave, I still want to look my best. Just because Edgar knows what I look at my worst, and is perfectly fine with it, doesn't mean that I should stick with my worst. Like something some muggle my mum loves once said. Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. You could learn from that Alice. Stop hiding, stop worrying. And just live for once. Go and find your crush, and snog him senseless."

And, with that, Marlene puckered her lips to the mirror, and, pleased with her reflection, flounced right out of the room.

Alice looked down at the letter in her hand, and looked up at the place Marlene was just standing, and she made a split second decision.

Alice bounced up, and headed toward the mirror, where she puckered up and applied some of Marlene's lip-gloss, and with her new-found confidence, skipped down the stairs, running into James, who was headed away from the boys' dormitories.

"Oof!"

As the two climbed back up, Alice asked James, "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"You just did," James couldn't help but smirk. "But, I really must be going. Late for a study session with Lily."

"Well, knowing her," Alice said, grabbing James arm, and keeping him with her (and let me tell you, it took her some courage to keep the conversation from just ending when he walked away), "she wouldn't mind it if you were a bit late."

"Okay…" James said apprehensively. "What was it you wanted to talk about?"

"Well, you know the pen pal thing we had to do in first year, to get to know our fellow students?"

James nodded.

"Well, I still write my pen pal… and we're really good friends, and I was wondering who he is."

"Oh… I think I know. My guess would be Frank. But that might not be right… so, I think you might want to talk to Benjy. Benjy, being Benjy, knows everything about anything."

Alice nodded, slowly, though still confused, but before she was able to form one of her many questions, James had rushed off, calling back to her, "Sorry! I really shouldn't be late! Dying never really was of much interest to me!"

Alice sighed, and decided she might as well go and find Benjy. Not like she had any idea of where Benjy could possibly be… But she would persevere!

As Alice started to wander aimlessly around the school, hoping to bump into Benjy, she got to thinking about James. And Lily.

The James Alice knew had never been the most motivated when it came to actually doing schoolwork. But when it involved Lily, it was a real turnaround. And Lily never seemed to notice the change. She was taking it all for granted. The fact that some poor (although, "poor" might not be the best terminology) boy was changing completely for her just blew by.

Alice sighed. And Lily said she wasn't prejudiced. Which was a total lie. Lily Evans was totally prejudiced. Against messy-haired, bespectacled, reformed trouble-making boys named James Potter.

Lily never had forgiven him for being a marauder. Even though, you must note, in that prior sentence, the key word is _reformed._ James rarely pranked anymore, much to the chagrin of Sirius Black. Only to those deservingly… meaning Snape. And Alice had to agree with that. Lily had to be the only person in the school who had ever felt sympathy for the greasy-haired twit.

Alice shook her head and sighed. Lily was most definitely stubborn, and most definitely held a grudge.

Alice could only endure time, until Lily finally snapped to her senses. And Alice knew what that would mean. She'd have to wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait…. And well, you get the drift. Lots of waiting. Lots, and lots of waiting.

Or she could just slap Lily.

Which did sound quite fun, and would probably work.

Except, like James, Alice was never very much interested in death.

And, as clarification to those of you readers who are foreign to the world of Harry Potter (But, really, raise your hand if that applies to you…. Yeah, that's what I thought. About two of you.), let me clarify (redundancy intended). Bother Lily, and she might as well be the grim reaper.

And let me elucidate even further.

You bother Lily, you DIE. (Insert evil cackling here).

Which was all very bothersome, as Alice had always wondered how empowering bitch-slapping Lily would be.

But Alice digresses. Back to the contemplation on James and Lily.

Lily never actually realized how great a guy James was. He was a decent soul, and it seemed as only Lily hadn't realized. (Well… and possibly Snape too).

James Potter had been the one who had helped Alice with Transfiguration when she was nearly failing. And now Alice was one of the best students.

James Potter had been the one to punch Marlene's last ex-boyfriend (although, the term "boyfriend" is being used quite loosely), when he was being a total jerk.

James Potter had been the one to comfort Frank Longbottom through the death of his toad.

James Potter had been the one to reach up to the higher shelves in the library to get books for the puny, little first years.

James Potter had been the one that never appeared to try in the world of academia, but still did, earning the professors' never-ending respect (even if they only admitted it begrudgingly).

James Potter had been the one to respect the nerdier, smarter parts of the Hogwarts population (no wonder Ravenclaw loved him), and even to fall in love with their unofficial queen (cough_Lily_cough).

And Lily never even noticed that she had the perfect guy right on her heels.

Alice sighed at her friend's selected obliviousness. It really was a pity that Lily got the perfect guy, but just threw him away. (She wasn't even going to think the obvious thought; _where's MY perfect guy?_).

A sudden peck on the back of her head (a very hard peck. Alice was quite sure it'd bruise) stopped Alice's train of thought. Alice looked around, and there, right in front of her face, was a very grumpy looking owl, which proceeded to glare at her. Alice gave it a sheepish glance, and hurried on, remembering her goal of finding Benjy.

But, apparently, the owl didn't very much appreciate this. And, how, may you ask, do I figure this? Well, it might have been because I am telepathic, and can read minds. Or, it might have been because I'm quite logical, and I thought that maybe, he was grumpy because of Alice ditching the owl.

These are all good guesses, but I must say, it was mostly because the sour bird then assailed Alice.

It was soon over, and there was a bit of blood on the tiled floor of the corridor, and Alice was covered in miniscule, triangular bite marks.

The irritable bird landed on the stone floor next to Alice's head, and held out its leg, on which, a letter was attached. Which, of course, made no sense. Why wasn't this bird delivering the letter during breakfast? Unless it was from within Hogwarts, which still made no sense, as the person could have simply delivered the letter by hand. But, it was probably just because people are plain weird. And you know it's true.

So, Alice untied the letter, and the cantankerous bird flew off, most likely to grumble to itself. Ripping open the envelope, Alice scanned the contents of the letter to find something quite shocking.

Inside the envelope was the most beautiful love letter Alice had ever laid eyes on. (Albeit, the number of love letters that Alice had in fact laid eyes on was low- aside from the feebly written letters that her father had sent her mother, and the ones some of the more foolish boys in Hogwarts have sent to Marlene, this was the first non-fictional love letter she had read).

And now Alice really had to find Benjy, in order to snog the living daylights out of him.

OO _Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken_ OO

_Finally… here comes the section of plot that doesn't take place at the same time…_

Lily tapped her fingers against the cold stone wall of the corner she had shrunken down into. Why did James think she was gay? It couldn't have been his idea, right?

Lily didn't want to face the idea that the one person who infallibly believed in her. Was her really the one who was now starting to doubt her?

It really bothered Lily that it was now that she realized that James' opinion mattered to her. Why did she care that James thought she was gay? Why did it matter? And why didn't it matter before?

It was like she had suddenly moved to Africa, or something. The things she had come to depend on, for instance, running water, or electricity in her muggle home, were suddenly pulled from underneath her. She had nothing left to support her.

How did she never realize James was important? That he might have mattered all this time? How?

Lily had this abrupt urge to go explain to James the truth… maybe that would make her feel whole again.

Whole… Lily blinked at her thought, running a hand through her hair (though quickly stopping realizing that it was the trademark gesture of her so-called enemy). Whole. It sounded like she now belonged in some misogynistic romance novel, written by some feeble, nineteenth-century female, where the leads were so meant for each other, so that separated, they felt as if part of them were missing. Lily cussed inwardly. She was not going to submit to demeaning, girlish gestures representing a corrupt social culture, wherein it was generally supposed that the only purpose of a female's life was romance and the color pink.

But, Lily did have to admit that she did miss James. Even though she was the one to run from him, she knew he probably didn't care for her now (in that weird sense of deluded feminine instinct that has never been accurate).

Sadly enough, it was now that she realized, James wasn't as bad as she had always pictured… she had been such a jerk. He'd done as much as he could with the Transfiguration project, and tried to somehow meet her impossible demands, all in good humor.

Lily groaned, and dropped her head in her hands, freaking out the first years walking by, obviously planning to spend their Friday afternoon doing something "bad" (even though we all know that hanging out in bathrooms, writing on the stalls is not that cool, and not really that "bad". Now, skinny-dipping in the lake, right in front of McGonagall's office- some flashing involved- that's another thing. Just a tip, when bored, don't listen to Sirius).

Lily impulsively decided that she might as well do something, instead of sitting around groaning, and that thing might as well be shag James Potter senseless (or, really, the more virginal version of that, since James Potter was the type to wear a chastity belt, if you catch my drift).

So, the first thing she'd have to do would be talk to Benjy. Being the creepy stalker that Benjy is, it wouldn't really hurt to mooch some advice off the guy before losing her virginity.

And with that, Lily set off to find Benjy.

Five minutes later, Benjy was spotted, and Lily rushed up to him, shouting, "Benjy!"

But, she wasn't alone.

Three other people had shouted that exact name at that exact second.

Lily skidded into the corner where Benjy was cowering, and was immediately joined by Alice, James, and Alice's cousin Emmeline.

"No! Wait! I can deal with you liking girls! I can!" came a pleading cry, as Frank slewed around the corner, running towards Emmeline.

"What?" Lily asked, confused. Hadn't she been the homosexual one?

"Really sorry, Frank…" James muttered, patting Frank on the back.

"Excuse me?" Emmeline squeaked.

"She _what?_" Benjy demanded, horrified.

"I'm confused. What's going on?" a bewildered Alice asked, looking up from staring dreamily at Benjy.

"Wait!" cried another voice. "Stop! Sirius is getting the popcorn! He didn't want to miss anything!"

That really got everyone perplexed, as they looked up at the staircase near the end of the corridor, where Peter was dragging down Remus.

"Why are you dragging Remus…?" Emmeline asked.

"Well, I was levitating him down, but then I decided, what the hey! If I'm going to have to do work anyway, might as well bump his head into stuff along the way!" Peter shrugged.

James rolled his eyes.

"Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I'm going to do what I came down here to do," Alice stated, and with that, threw her arms around him, and kissed him (though, once again, kissing may not be the most fitting word), to the surprise of the people surrounding them.

Emmeline's jaw dropped, and nearly everyone else gasped (except for Sirius, who had slid up next to James during the proceedings, and was currently munching happily on a bag of popcorn). Benjy himself recoiled, and shoved Alice off of himself.

Alice stumbled back, tripping and landing on the floor, and gaped up at Benjy, hurt.

"But… but…" she stuttered. "I thought that- that you liked me…"

Alice's voice broke on the last word, and it was so pathetic sounding that Frank knelt down to comfort her.

That stumped Benjy. "How… I mean, I barely even talk to you…" he faltered, sounding not mean, but purely puzzled.

"You sent me that letter," Alice said, getting to her feet. "That really pretty letter."

James' eyebrow creased, suspicious of this letter.

"I sent a letter to Alice," Benjy said, gesturing to Emmeline. "There must have been a mistake"-

"No mistake," Alice said, looking intently at Benjy. "I'm Alice."

Frank and Benjy gawked at Alice simultaneously. "No," Benjy denied, shaking his head. "You're Emmeline. She's"- he pointed to Emmeline-"Alice."

"No, I'm Emmeline," Emmeline said. "I think you were confused."

"Oh…" Benjy said, his jaw gone slack with the shock of not being right.

"You idiot," Lily muttered.

Alice snorted. "Merlin, Lily. Play nice with the other kids."

Lily rolled her eyes.

"Wait," Frank said to Alice. "So, then _you're _my pen pal?"

"You're the one"-

Frank nodded.

"Then why am I kissing _him?_" Alice questioned, jokingly, pointing at Benjy, and kissed Frank lightly on the mouth, blushing deeply when she pulled back. Frank smiled back at her, and took her hand, the two of them stared into each other's eyes until it got too embarrassing, and they both looked away, faces bright red.

"Aww…" Emmeline cooed at her cousin and her cousin's new beau.

"So… I guess this letter was meant for you," Benjy said, shyly offering Emmeline the letter.

"Good for you," Alice snorted. "Facing your fears. I can't believe you actually _owled_ the letter…"

Emmeline looked over the letter, her smile growing wider as she read on. When she finished, she looked up, and asked, "So, do you want to get a butterbeer sometime?"

Benjy beamed. "I thought you'd never ask."

"Looks like James and Lily are the only ones not to get together yet," Peter commented dryly, walking towards the group.

Lily scowled at Peter, but James ignored the comment, and asked Benjy, "Where'd you get that letter."

"Um… Mary," Benjy answered, looking nervous.

Mary, who had just been walking toward them, abruptly turned around, and began walking the other way.

"You stole my letter, didn't you?" James accused, pointing at Mary.

Mary slowly edged towards the group. "Possibly…" she said, her voice sounding uneasy.

Lily, looking surprised, snatched the letter from Emmeline, and looked at it. "Hey, this _was _from James. But someone scratched it out, and wrote Benjy"- Lily raised an eyebrow at Mary.-"How did you not notice this, Alice?"

Alice shrugged, looking a bit guilty. "I guess it was a heat of the moment thing."

"And it was originally addressed to…_me_," Lily said, her voice shocked on the last word.

Lily glanced up at James, who looked tense, glancing worriedly at Lily. She read through the letter, and just had to sigh inwardly. It was the most beautifully written thing she had ever laid eyes on. The actually writing itself was moving, but the letters along the side spelled out their own message "LILY, I LOVE YOU. I ALWAYS HAVE. I'M GLAD I WAS ABLE TO MEET YOU…" etc. The whole letter was reeking of love messages.

"You really mean this?" Lily asked in a soft voice, cursing the fact that her voice was trembling, since she close to tears.

James nodded sincerely. "Don't worry. I'll always respect your decision. But if you ever get tired of girls…"

Sirius whooped excitedly, until James hit him on the head.

Lily groaned. "Who told you I was gay?" she demanded.

James gulped. "Er… well, Benjy shouted it out during muggle studies…"

"WHAT?"

Benjy cowered behind Emmeline. "I'm sorry! It was an accident! I didn't mean it!"

"I don't care if it was an accident! You still deserve to die in my book!" Lily roared, diving at Benjy. But before she could claw his eyes out, there was a hand restraining her.

And, strangely enough, that hand was Alice.

Alice pulled Lily up, and looked her in the eye, and then Alice used all her force to bitch-slap Lily right across the face.

"Boy, that felt good," Alice muttered, as Lily rubbed her cheek, looking at Alice in terror.

"Look, Lily. Get your act together. What happened with Benjy isn't important right now, though we can kill him later. Focus on James," Alice raised an eyebrow at Lily, as if daring her to do something, before returning to be all gooey with Frank.

"Well," James said. "Since we're now apparently being forced into this, I was wondering if I could take you up on your promise, Lily."

No one there seemed to get it.

"What promise?" Lily asked.

"Remember, third year. You said you'd go out with me on February 29th. And it is the 29th."

"I'd be honored," Lily said smiling. "Why not go now? You're a marauder. I'm sure you know some way to get us to Hogsmeade."

James grinned, and ushered Lily away with him.

Benjy and Emmeline shared a glance, and then hurried after the pair, Emmeline calling out, "Mind if we join you guys?" to a general consent.

"You guys coming?" Lily called to Alice and Frank.

"Nah…" Alice said. "I was thinking that there's probably an empty broom closet some where around here…"

Frank's jaw dropped, causing Alice to giggle as she pulled him along with her.

"I fell voyeuristic, today, Peter," Remus stated. "Mush, mush!"

Peter sighed, and lifted Remus' ankle, and tugged his fellow marauder on.

Sirius turned to Mary, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. "So, Sauerkraut, seems Cupid's been busy lately. You wanna get busy sometime?"

Mary sighed, turned on her heel, and walked off.

"Um… I should take that as a yes, right?" Sirius called after her.

Marlene, who was walking by (with a lipstick covered Edgar Bones stumbling after her), rolled her eyes, and muttered, "Idiots."

**the end**

_AFTERWORD_

So… I have been asked many questions about this "quaint" little story. And, I will answer those many questions. But not in this afterword. Merlin, no. Do you really think that I have that much time on my hands? I'll get around to answering those questions whenever I damn well feel like it. But, anyway, the answer to the majority of those questions is: no, there is most definitely not a moral to this story. As if there's a moral to real life. Pft. Hah-hah. That's a good one. There isn't a moral, and there never will be, unless you all decide to make up one. But if I was forced (and really forced, like at wand-point, or something), I'd have to say the moral would be one of two things. One, that things will never go as planned, and there are always accidents, but that isn't always bad. But, personally, I feel like that's a bunch of bull crap. Bit too much of a cookie-cutter, ninth-grade-English-class answer for me. So, I'm going with the second moral. Benjy Fenwick is a bloody idiot, and we should blame all of our problems on him. (He's also a bloody awful kisser, and I can, unfortunately, testify to that. I will never know what Emmeline saw in him). Oh, wait, or you could say that the moral is that everyone deserves a bitch-slap every once and a while. So, take that as an answer. And, I hope you had as interesting of an experience crapping your pants at this story as I did watching it all play out. Now, go clean the crap off your pants. I'm pretty sure the people around you are currently thinking you're some sort of freak who's never been potty-trained. And trust me, that's not the sort of reputation you want. I would know.

-Marlene Mckinnon

-&-

AN: I'm so excited! I'm really proud of how this story turned out! I really love the plot, and I think the writing style was really funny. The tone and all that. Well, I'd appreciate it if you review! And I really appreciate knowing everyone's favorite lines! Well, I'd like to wish everyone a belated happy New Year!


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